The last 24 hours has afforded me some incredible soul-searching. In my journey for musical expression, I have heard quite a few things that I did not like, most of which took a limiting stance. You're too ___ (fill in the blank). You're not enough ___ (fill in the blank). No matter the exact nature of the limit it is, by enlarge, a limit handed to me by someone outside myself.
This morning, during my morning meditation, I had clarity. Lots and lots of clarity. These limits only bother me, because they echo my deep fears of inadequacy. Fears so deep that I didn't really see how they influenced my thoughts.
At the surface, I feel driven and clear that I am enough. How could I not? And if that were my complete truth, limits presented to me outside myself, would have no affect. That clearly wasn't the case. They bothered me.
Instead, I set this up as an outward battle for me to move around. A fight for me to choose "not to fight". But, this morning, I saw it as an inner battle.... people (outside) are telling me what I fear (inside). The battle truly exists within.
And this is good news. If the battle exists inside myself, I can choose a different perspective, thereby making all aspects of the battle mute.
Now that I see my fears of inadequacy, I can make choices that align with my purpose. I have so much gratitude for those that told me "No". You helped bring me closer to my goals.
Three weeks in to my journey of music as a career and I hit my first roadblock. No. Of course, there are tons of reasons why someone says "No". Mostly I can hear "no" and move on, knowing that my "yes" is somewhere ... closer than I may think. This is my mindset that moves me forward.
But this "no", came from an industry professional, who is widely respected in the music industry in Vegas. It was a hard "no" to hear. It did not help that this person is a dear friend, and was trying to help me manage my expectations of how my music career may (or may not) bloom in such a dog-eat-dog, youth-sells environment.
How does one get past such a honest and good friend's thoughts of my chances in the industry? Firstly, I trust his opinion of the world in which he works... and ... I listened. He will not be the first person to point out my miscomings. And we all have miscomings. I let the hard news soak in, permeating my understanding. For this... this understanding.... is what I must work around. it is the moat around the castle that I must find a way over.
Not every battle needs to be fought. Sometimes one can *see* the battle, let everyone else spend their energy trying to win it, while I calmly and quietly walk around. The battle consists of societal ideals of a person's value, based on external circumstances, such as age, color, race, sex ... the list is endless. Truly ... endless. These are the judgments that others may cast upon me. But the question is: Do I accept them? I can outshine their limitations of me, outlast their limits, or find a way past those that do not see the same potential I see in myself. For if I spend my energy in my own truth, rather than in battle, I have faith that those aligned with my journey will propel me forward.
I believe there is a niche for me. It may not look like anyone else's journey. But it is there. And now that I SEE what limits people may thrust my direction, I can SEE where my time and energy will be wasted, freeing me to find my own direction. My path is uniquely my own.
Not everyone is a great country singer. Not everyone is pop-star potential. Not everyone is a concert pianist. But all musicians have a place. I truly believe this in my heart. Whether is it singing in a Las Vegas lounge, fronting a funk band, or even playing small venues ... I believe in my core, that people want and need to hear my music. It has value.
So I can thank the "no" people for their honesty. Thanks. Because now I know where I will be wasting my time.
Recently I moved back to Vegas, having been gone for an extended 7 years. I say "extended" because it felt like more than 7 years. Paradoxically, it amazes me that I was gone that long.
Returning to a familiar place, has been a daunting endeavor. As I drive down familiar streets, to familiar places, glimmers of the 35-year-old me come bubbling to my surface. Bright enough for me to both see and feel, yet veiled enough to know that it is a memory.
Much has happened for me between then and now. Life has offered me an endless vessel of learning opportunities. Some of which I grabbed; some of which floated by without detection. And one thing is clear, I have grown dramatically in these last 7 years.
In these glimmering, yet veiled moments of my younger self, I feel a duplicity. It is a swilling fusion of both the new and old "me". This assimilation allows me a perspective from which to measure the distance between then and now. Who was I? Who am I now? How far have I come? It is the perspective that only age can give you. It is a perspective for which I am thankful to have and experience.
So the streets are the same. Yet my journey down them has proven to be vastly different.
